Connection through courage

He aroha whakatō, he aroha puta mai
If kindness is sown, then kindness you shall receive

Recently, I was with someone from an older generation who praised another person’s skill but quickly added, “Please don’t tell them.”
This small comment carried the weight of a generational belief, one that equates humility with silence. It reminded me of how deeply such ideas can shape our culture. This connects closely with tall poppy syndrome, where standing out or celebrating others can be seen as immodest.

When we don’t speak out, people can feel unseen, undervalued, or disconnected. It makes me wonder if our national struggle with belonging and mental health might, in part, be rooted in this reluctance to express appreciation or recognition even in the seemingly small things. While the intention behind this restraint may be to protect humility, I’ve begun to ponder on  the unseen harm it can cause,  or has already caused.

Labour Weekend feels like a fitting time to reflect on the ways the past continues to shape the present. Robert ten Bensel once said, “The proper time to influence the character of a child is 100 years before he is born. In each of us lives our childhood and the values of past generations.”  So these long held beliefs about acknowledging effort, beauty, kindness, ability and more still linger on.

The Human Need to Be Seen

As I’ve reflected on this, I’ve realised that when I notice something, a moment of kindness, persistence, or beauty  I naturally want to say it aloud. Naming what I see feels like an act of connection and humanity.

I think I do this through my photography too. When I see something amazing through the camera lens, I want to share it with others, not to draw attention to myself, but to acknowledge the amazingness of what I’ve witnessed.

It’s not about inflating egos; it’s about affirming existence, worth, and connection.

Being seen is not a luxury; it’s a psychological and emotional need. Neuroscience and Te Whāriki both affirm that wellbeing and belonging grow from feeling recognised and valued. When kaiako intentionally notice and name the strengths, efforts, and dispositions of mokopuna, they nurture not only learning but identity.  

Remember you are also setting the cultural, morals and values based view of the world for the mokopuna who grow up 100 years from now. What are you modelling with kaiako, whānau and the people in your world. Do you acknowledge your colleagues - modelling that it is ok for people to be seen?

In this way, affirming others, whether tamariki, colleagues, or whānau  becomes a mana-enhancing practice. It builds trust, safety, and genuine connection. Silence, on the other hand, can unintentionally diminish mana.

Redefining Courageous Conversations

In ECE, we often talk about “having courageous conversations.” Typically, these are associated with addressing deficits, challenges, or areas needing improvement. But after reflecting on what it means to see and affirm others, I’m beginning to wonder:

What if the most courageous conversations are not the ones that confront  but the ones that connect? The ones that honour the mana of others.

It actually takes deep courage to speak affirmation, to look someone in the eye and say, “You make a difference here,” or “I see the way your warmth changes the atmosphere for mokopuna.” Such conversations invite vulnerability, both for the speaker and the receiver. They challenge ingrained cultural habits of modesty and self-protection. In doing so, they become profoundly mana-enhancing,  restoring, uplifting, and humanising.

As a bit of a side note, I think it’s time to rethink the term courageous conversations. To me, it implies armouring up, a Brene Brown term,  entering a discussion to be right rather than to relate. What if, instead, we saw these as open-to-learn conversations, borrowing Viviane Robinson’s term? These are moments of mutual growth and understanding, not correction or confrontation.  When we enter into a conversation armoured and ready for confrontation it will have a different feeling from an open to learn conversation.

Courage as Connection

Instead of seeing courageous conversations as moments only about correction, we can see them as moments of cultivation, cultivating trust, self-belief, and belonging.  It may take courage to tell a perfect stranger, that what they just did was so kind.  Or tell a colleague how much you appreciated the way they responded to a request from yourself or the mokopuna or how kind they were to someone.

But if we can be courageous about correction we can be courageous about connection. Reframing the conversation in both scenarios to open to learn conversation that build connection, to help people to be seen.

An Invitation

As we pause for Labour Weekend, perhaps we might each ask ourselves:
Whose mana could I uplift today by simply naming what I see?

Sometimes, the quietest act of courage is to speak the words that help another feel seen. Perhaps this act might be one more step in the change from our ‘tall poppy syndrome’ into being seen and acknowledged for all that we bring.

Where in your daily interactions might you sow small seeds of aroha - noticing, naming, and affirming what is good?